ASSHOLE


SPOKEN: 
FOLKS, I'D LIKE TO SING A
SONG ABOUT THE
AMERICAN DREAM. ABOUT 
ME. ABOUT YOU. ABOUT
THE WAY OUR AMERICAN
HEARTS BEAT WAY DOWN IN THE BOTTOM OF OUR CHESTS.
ABOUT THE SPECIAL FEELING WE GET IN THE COCKLES OF
OUR HEARTS, MAYBE BELOW THE COCKLES, MAYBE IN THE KID-
NEYS. MAYBE EVEN IN THE COLON WE DON'T KNOW.

I'M JUST A REGULAR JOE WITH A REGULAR JOB
I'M AVERAGE WHITE SUBURBANITE SLOB
I LIKE FOOTBALL AND PORNO AND BOOKS ABOUT WAR
I'VE GOT AN AVERAGE HOUSE WITH A NICE HARDWOOD FLOOR
MY WIFE AND MY JOB, MY KIDS AND MY CAR
MY FEET ON MY TABLE AND A CUBAN CIGAR

BUT SOMETIMES THAT JUST AIN'T ENOUGH
TO KEEP A MAN LIKE ME INTERESTED
(OH NO) NO WAY (UH-UH)
NO, I'VE GOTTA GO OUT AND HAVE FUN 
AT SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPENSE
(OH YEAH) YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH

I DRIVE REALLY SLOW IN THE ULTRA FAST LANE
WHILE PEOPLE BEHIND ME ARE GOING INSANE

I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S AN ASSHOLE, WHAT AN ASSHOLE)
I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S AN ASSHOLE, SUCH AN ASSHOLE)

I USE PUBLIC  TOILETS AND PISS ON THE SEAT
I WAKK AROUND IN THE SUMMERTIME SAYING "HOW ABOUT
THIS HEAT?"

I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S AN ASS-
HOLE, WHAT AN ASSHOLE)
I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S THE
WORLDS BIGGEST ASSHOLE)

SOMETIMES I PARK IN HANDI-
CAPPED SPACES
WHILE HANDICAPPED PEOPLE
MAKE HANIDSAPPED FACES

I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S AN ASSHOLE,
WHAT AN ASSHOLE)
I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S A REAL F*CKING
ASSHOLE)

MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE SINGING THIS SONG
RANTING AND RAVING AND CARRYING ON
MAYBE THEY'RE RIGHT WHEN THEY TELL ME
I'M WRONG

NAAAAH!

I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S AN ASSHOLE, WHAT AN ASSHOLE)
I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S THE WORLD'S BIGGEST ASSHOLE)

SPOKEN:
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? I'M GONNA GET
MYSELF A 1967 CADILLAC ELDORADO CONVERTIBLE, HOT PINK
WITH WHALESKIN HUBCAPS AND ALL LEATHER COW INTERIOR
AND BIG BROWN BABY SEAL EYES FOR HEADLIGHTS
YEAH! AND I'M GONNA DRIVE AROUND IN THAT
BABY AT 115 MPH GETTING ONE MILE PER GALLON,
SUCKING DOWN QUARTER POUNDER CHEESEBURGERS FROM
MCDONALD'S IN THE OLD-FASHIONED NON-BIODEGRADABLE
STYROFOAM CONTAINERS AND WHEN I'M DONE SUCKIN'
DOWN THOSE GREASEBALL BURGERS, I'M GONNA
WIPE MY MOUTH WITH THE AMERICAN FLAG AND
THEN I'M GONNA TOSS THE STYROFOAM CONTAINER
RIGHT OUT THE SIDE AND THERE AIN'T A GODDAMNED
THING ANYBODY CAN DO ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE WE GOT THE BOMBS, THAT'S WHY.

TWO WORDS: NUCLEAR F*CKING WEAPONS, OKAY?
RUSSIA, GERMANY, ROMANIA - THEY CAN HAVE ALL
THE DEMOCRACY THEY WANT. THEY CAN HAVE A BIG
DEMOCRACY CAKEWALK RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF
TIANANMEN SQUARE AND IT WON'T MAKE A LICK 
OF DIFFERENCE BECAUSE WE'VE GOT THE BOMBS OKAY?
JOHN WAYNE'S NOT DEAD - HE'S FROZEN. AND AS
SOON WE FIND THE CURE FOR CANCER WE'RE
GONNA THAW OUT THE DUKE AND HE'S GONNA
BE PRETTY PISSED OFF. YOU KNOW WHY? HAVE
YOU EVER TAKEN A COLD SHOWER? WELL, MULTIPLY
THAT BY 15,000,000 TIMES, THAT'S HOW PISSED 
OFF THE DUKE'S GONNA BE. I'M GONNA GET
THE DUKE AND JOHN CASSAVETES

(HEY)

AND LEE MARVIN

(HEY)

AND SAM PECKINPAH

(HEY)

AND A CASE OF WHISKEY AND DRIVE DOWN TO TEXAS . . .

(HEY, YOU KNOW YOU REALLY ARE AN ASSHOLE)

WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP AND SING THE SONG PAL!

I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S AN ASSHOLE, WHAT AN ASSHOLE)
I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S THE WORLDS BIGGEST ASSHOLE)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E EVERYBODY A-S-S-H-O-L-E

BARKING:
ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF

FUNG ACHNG TUM A FUNG A FLING CHUM

OOOH OOOH

SPOKEN:
I'M AN ASSHOLE AND PROUD OF IT!