Twas the night before christmas             So up on the roof
And all through the house                   Went the reindeer and sleigh
Empty bottles and cans                      But a tree branch hit Santa
Thrown about by some louse.                 His body did sway.

My best bottle I'd hidden                   And to my ears
Near the chimney with care                  Like the roll of a barrel,
Had been found by some drunk                A shrill of a noise
Who drank it right there.                   Like no Christmas carol.

All our buddies and pals                    So I lifted my head
Had been poured in their beds               And sharpened my ear.
To awake the next morning                   Down the chimney he plunged
With hungover heads.                        Landing smack on his rear.

My lips dry as hell,                        His suit was all red
Up and down they did flap                   With white fur for a trim
I thought it'd be swell                     The way that he staggered
To have one more nightcap.                  He was tanked to the brim.

And then from the roof                      The big sack on his back
I heard such a yell,                        Had nothing but booze
We all sprang to our feet                   And tried to stand right
To see what had fell.                       But he didn't fool me
                                            He was high as a kite.
And what to my bloodshot eyes
Did I but eight staggering reindeer         He spoke not a word
Caught up in a tree.                        And got straight to his job
                                            But he missed half the stockings
Way up in the branches                      That plastered old slob.
Was a man in a sleigh
I knew it was Santa                         Then thumbing his hand
Quite fat and quite gay.                    To the tip of his nose
                                            He wiggled his fingers
Nearer and nearer the eight reindeer came   As he quoted some prose.
While old Santa hiccuped
And called them by name.                    He jumped for his sleigh
                                            At so hasty a pace
On Whiskey! On Bourbon!                     That he tripped on a shingle
We ain't got all night                      And fell flat on his face.
You too Gin and Vodka
Lets all do it right.                       And I heard him belch back
                                            As he passed out of sight
Jump up on the roof                         Merry Christmas you lushers
Get the hell off this tree                  Now really get tight!
Start moving you rummies
I'll help you get free.