Microsoap Introduces Windex '95

by Lars Bacteriophage
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Redmond, Washington -- In New York City, the Empire State Building was made
up to look like an enormous hand-soap dispenser. In Washington D.C.
President Clinton gave up his nickname of ``Bubba'' in order to be called
``Bubble''. The worldwide chain of ``Octopus'' carwashes was hired for an
entire day just to give people free baths. All over the nation, hordes of
eager bathers mobbed stores as the long-awaited release of one of the most
highly anticipated cleaning products in history finally became reality. On
August 29 at 12 midnight, the doors opened and convenience stores across
the nation began to sell Microsoap ``Windex '95''

``I've never seen anything like it,'' said Bowatu Kempler of ``Da Pope's
Soaps (for the unwashed heathen in all of us)'' in Jacksonville, Fl. ``We
had people camping outside the doors at 4 AM yesterday waiting for the
doors to open. And you shoulda heard them...''

``It's Windex '95!!!'' shrieked a gleeful Elenora Minset as she snatched
the last flat of glass cleaner from Mr. Kempler's shop. ``It's great! We'll
bathe in it. We'll put the baby to sleep in it. Hell, we'll even feed the
cat with it! It's Windex '95, and I LOVE IT!!!''

Said a spokesperson for Microsoap: ``Windex '95 is special and unique
because it has the ability to clean glass. It can also clean glass. Did we
mention that it cleans glass? It's so much better than Windex. Because it
cleans glass. Windex '95, that is. You need to upgrade now. The old stuff
is blue. The new stuff is green. Oh yeah, and the new green stuff cleans
glass. Windex maybe sorta cleans glass too, but you can use a Rag with
Windex, whereas Windex '95 requires a Rag-486DX with 8 MB RAM and a
lint-coprocessor. Windex '95 may not clean some types of glass as well as
Windex, so we suggest you upgrade your hardware by buying the now
industry-standard (as defined by Microsoap) circular windows and cubical
drinking-glasses. We have a billion to advertise with that says you have
to, so get with it!''

Meanwhile, proponents of a competing product have been wearing snide
buttons proclaiming ``Windex '95 = Soap And Water 3000B.C.'' This has
failed to dampen the burgeoning enthusiasm for the most revolutionary
cleaning product of all time. Sales also have not been hampered by the fact
that each bottle of Windex '95 carries a mini-spycam in the cap which
constantly transmits to the Microsoap Ministry of Information. Each bottle
also comes paired with a ``free'' rock, causing concerns with pet rock
stores all over the world. At a store called, ``Hey, it's a rock, you can
even do THAT with it!'' Luther Lemner complained, ``Everyone needs to clean
their filthy, slimey, disgusting Windows, so they buy that Microsoap stuff.
They get a `free' rock... But it's actually a lump of sod with a spy-camera
in it. But then they think they have a rock, so they don't buy my fine rose
quartz anymore. I'm going to go out of business. Everyone cleans their
windows; this isn't fair.''

But it's too late to stay the flood; Windex '95 is the soapware occurence
of the century. I for one predict that Microsoap is really going to clean
up with this one.