============================================================================ ============================================================================ _ ________/\______/\________/\ _ ___ __ ________ ____|__ _ | _ .| __|_ | .___ _ =| :| : .| | :|= ===| ___| :| : .|=== =====:_____:__________:_________:cr=== pEz monthly magazine % special issue #1; the 'gumby files' ============================================================================ ============================================================================ :: introduction :: :: by; black francis :: well, to put it bluntly, gumby is my hero. number one, he has the _balls_ to publicly release his poetry. that in itself is pure heroics. he should be given a medal of honor just for his sheer bravery. number two, he perfectly sums up my feelings on poetry. for those who don't know already, i believe poetry is a talentless "art" form that can be accomplished by anybody. gumby proves this and then some. here are some of his previous poems, as published in the previous issue of pEz monthly; [-----] date: thursday, february 16, 1995 8:39am from: gumby to: ** all ** re: a season in the pool a season in the pool, it's a good time. it is very hard, but it has many rewards. swimming is a sport that you race yourself over and over until you win. i don't think you ever win, you just say _damm_: i could of gone a little faster. or maybe you will go faster the next race. maybe that is why i am swimming because i have never beat myself and said i won. sam griga 2-3-95 [-----] date: thursday, february 16, 1995 8:46am from: gumby to: ** all ** re: the gridiron the gridiron it's such a great place to show as a person. i have never seen a sport with so much fear in it. the players are always saying: next time i'm going to rip your head off, they never do. i guess that's why i always go back the next play to see if they will rip my head off. they lied to me. sam griga 2-3-95 [-----] date: thursday, february 16, 1995 7:24pm from: gumby to: ** all ** re: the bomb the bomb thhe bomb it is very scary yes it is. don't know when its coming only know where it has been. i wish i knew more about this bomb. i guess all that we can do is sit and wait. everyone knows how bad this bomb will be. but i guess we will have to wait and see. sam griga 2-16-95 [-----] date: sunday, february 19, 1995 7:17pm from: gumby to: ** all ** re: the bubbly one the bubbly one, the bubbly one. you know who i am talking about. the one we call bubbles. i have never seen her. but i am sure she is beautiful. at least andrew told me that she was. the one who plays farwest trivia all day. and never comes out to talk to me. thats all i can say because that is all i know about her. andrew you are a lucky man. sam griga 2-19-95 [-----] date: friday, march 3, 1995 5:24pm from: gumby to: ** all ** re: sadness sadness is not a good feeling. no life should have too much sadness. even though the world is full of it. your life doesn't have to be. look to something good and your sadness will go away. never get that sad. sam griga 3-2-95 [-----] date: tuesday, march 21, 1995 9:47pm from: gumby to: ** all ** re: night night is a great time of the day. it's when all the wierdos come out. it's a time to be free. the night has a special power over me. everyone has a little warewolf in them. if you don't your not living. make sure you find your warewolf. be a different person at night. because that is what it was for. sam griga 3-21-95 [-----] .. and now, ladies and gentlemen, the brand spanking new gumby poetry you've all been waiting for! you saw it first here in pEz monthly magazine! [-----] date: tuesday, june 20, 1995 7:48pm forum: writers from: gumby msg#: 415577 to: ** all ** re: the game the game the game is the best battle that you can play. it brings out the true you. people always say "it's only a game." but, when you are playing, it's more than a game. that game turns into a fight within yourself. sam griga 4-26-95 [-----] date: tuesday, june 20, 1995 7:51pm forum: writers from: gumby msg#: 415578 to: ** all ** re: the battle the battle the battle has been long and hard. all the warriors are battered in more than one way. the war is their life. there is no more chocies for them anymore. no matter if they win or lose, they will lose. not on the outside but, on the inside. sam griga 4-26-95 [-----] date: tuesday, june 20, 1995 7:55pm forum: writers from: gumby msg#: 415579 to: ** all ** re: stranger stranger stranger, man who has never been seen. i wish i knew you, i wish i cared. but, i don't. but, that's what is wrong with the world today. sam griga 4-36-95 [-----] date: tuesday, june 20, 1995 10:57pm forum: writers from: gumby msg#: 415680 to: ** all ** re: the moon the moon the moon it's the jewel of the night. in a time of darkness, its our only light. some people get a little crazy. some are just really scared. maybe that wolf inside of you might come out. i guess we will have to wait and see. sam griga 4-26-95 [-----] date: tuesday, june 20, 1995 11:01pm forum: writers from: gumby msg#: 415681 to: ** all ** re: the body the body the body it is a temple of the mind and soul. your body displays everything. it could have nothing to do with you, but your body will seem like it is. your body tells the story that everyone knows, but no one repeats. it has never become just a physical thing with your body. it will never become one. sam griga 5-1-95 ============================================================================ ============================================================================ :: .. and gumby's a damned pervert, too! :: :: from the extensive captures of; black francis :: *gr-251 .gif 351,872 (1024x750,256c) super looking sweetie! naked!! uploaded by gumby *gr-252 .gif 381,056 (1023x750,256c) one hot honey!!! a must.. uploaded by gumby *gr-299 .gif 208,256 (599x479,256c) great looking nude babe! awsome! uploaded by gumby *gr-333 .gif 201,472 (489x731,256c) wow, what a looker! uploaded by gumby ============================================================================ ============================================================================ :: an interview with gumby :: :: conducted by; mogel :: :: with guest appearances by; black francis, crank, beck hansen, and thalassocracy :: do not even _atttempt_ to read the following article if you, like myself, have an extremely short attention span. thanks a bundle. [-----] after gumby's debut in pEz monthly, i was facinated with the moronic levels of his character. i decided to go onto the stupid majorbbs system he frequents and posts his poetry on and get an interview with him. this was going to at first be a clean-cut ultimately ironic interview where i'd just get some pathetic quotes from gumby about his shitty poetry, but it grew into an all out bash, which has scared him for life. basically a few things happened. first off, i talked to gumby's girlfriend a few days previously. she had read some of the stupid corney stories i've written for my 'zine hoe, and she seemed to like them very much and wanted to meet me. heh. i thought this might be a good tactic to get under gumby's skin. why the fuck not? it's not like i care about anyone's feelings or anything. especially not people that are more stupid than me. if you're actually dumber than _me_, then there's simply no hope for you and you should suffer. also, while i was around in my channel, i invited some rad people i know that know about pEz and other e'zines. beck hansen, thalassocracy, and crank. frannie shows up a little later. all of us [except gumby] were tuned into a global communication channel, indicated by the double ((name))'s. [-----] you're in your private channel. channel topic: "shut up or get kicked out." crank, gumby, beck hansen, and thalassocracy are here with you. just enter "?" if you need any assistance. [from mogel (to gumby)]: how old were you when you first started writing? [from gumby (to mogel)]: i was 16 [from mogel (to gumby)]: okay, how old are you now? [from gumby (to mogel)]: 16 [from mogel (to gumby)]: teehee. so it's a relativly new thing for you, huh? [from gumby (to mogel)]: yeah i guess i wrote one for english class and i liked it so i wrote some more [from mogel (to gumby)]: i see. and now a lot of it is in your spare time, huh? crank is coughing nervously. [from gumby (to mogel)]: yuppers ((mogel)) i wanna have gumby open up, so hush. ((beck)) i'm not angsty enough to be cooler than gumby. ((crank)) roses are red, violets are bruised ((thal)) gumby's wardrobe - jean shorts above the knee, high top nike air's, a black shirt with "real" written on it in grey. [from mogel (to gumby)]: and how many pieces of writing did you say you'd written total? [from gumby (to mogel)]: 40 [from mogel (to gumby)]: okay, and what is your favorite piece of writing that you've done? ((mogel)) teehee. this'll be rich. ((crank)) i say we string him up in my basement [from gumby (to mogel)]: the power of the sun ((beck)) the power of the sun?!?!?!? [from mogel (to gumby)]: would it be too much trouble to type it hear, it's only 13 lines, right? ((mogel)) wait till we hear gumby's analysis of this piece. ((beck)) i'm leaving, bye bye. ((mogel)) gee, gumby must be thinking very hard here. what has it been 2 minutes? [from mogel (to gumby)]: you still with us? ((crank)) maybe he forgot you asked something. ((mogel)) wait till i get to the girlfriend part later. ((thal)) hahahha. ((crank)) i'm scared..i know what's coming :) ((thal)) hey.. make sure include his reg in the pEz thingie. :/r gumby ok, here's the info for gumby... real name: sam sex: m age: 16 aliases: none city/state: bensalem, pa voice phone#: -- physical description: 6-0 170 blue eyes brown hair good build comp. phone#: none bbs: none favorite movie: the crow favorite tv show: er favorite music: alt/beastie boys instrument played: none favorite foods: italian favorite sport: football swimming other hobbies/interests: poetry, sports, lady death general info: dark is not the opposite of light it is the absence of light summary: i love lady death ((crank)) good build. heh. sure. ((mogel)) "sadness is not a good feeling." ((crank)) "don't ever get that sad" ((thal)) actually, he is, uh.. built well.. he's just a dork. ((crank)) i'm not going to press the issue ((mogel)) haha "i am gumby's g/f :)" [from gumby (to mogel)]: here goes: the power of the sun can not be defined. it is our guiding light in life. when you are lost just follow the sun and you will get to where you want to be. how can something be so not and unable to touch be this poerful. no one knows t [from thalassocracy]: no!#!# gumby just vanished from the teleconference! ((mogel)) you must've scared him offline ((thal)) his g/f's a bit hefty, too.. chuckle ((mogel)) she's gonna be mine!@#$ okay, gumby is invited to your private channel. gumby has joined this channel. [from mogel]: ahem. [from mogel (to gumby)]: what about that piece did you like so much? [from crank]: "how can something be so not and unable to touch be this powerful"?!?!?!@ [from crank (to gumby)]: what the hell is that supposed to mean? [from crank (to gumby)]: make sense you fuck crank is coughing nervously. [from mogel (to crank)]: stop!@~!@ we're suppose to give him respect!@#$ [from crank]: sorry, it's mogel's interview crank is chuckling under her breath. [from mogel (to crank)]: shh!@#!@#!@ [from gumby]: are all of you done trashing my writing? [from mogel (to gumby)]: they're dumb. [from mogel (to gumby)]: please go on. [from mogel (to gumby)]: what about that did you like to make it your favorite? ((thal)) gumby's a slow motion kinda guy. ((crank)) have you been talking to his gf? ((thal)) i talked to her on the phone for, like a week.. [from gumby (to mogel)]: it has the most meaning [from mogel (to gumby)]: what is it's message? ((thal)) meaning? ((thal)) like.. uhm.. it's talking about how no one appreciates the sun.. people do that in science class. ((crank)) the sun is an evil. eye am nocturnal. [from gumby (to mogel)]: that everything in life has power with it but, you have to find it to use it [from mogel (to gumby)]: wow. even..say.. a turnip? ((thal)) my empty soda can has power. i must find it#!!#! ((crank)) ask about chicken pot pies. does that have power? [from gumby (to mogel)]: i think so [from mogel (to gumby)]: do you think a chicken pot pie has power? ((crank)) let's hack it!@ ((mogel)) crank is a faithful pEz reader!@#$ [from gumby (to mogel)]: only if it fills you up [from mogel (to gumby)]: anyhow, that's interesting. what inspires most of your writing? ((crank)) and he's 16? ((thal)) yep. he's old enough to drive. that scares me. ((crank)) that's pathetic [from gumby (to mogel)]: what happens to me in my lifetime and my candle that i burn. ((thal)) his candle?#!?!#? hahaha. black francis has just joined your global channel. ((frannie)) mogel; let me in now!@ ((mogel)) you must promise to be silent frannie!@ ((frannie)) why? ((mogel)) because i am interviewing gumby@#!@ ((frannie)) ok black francis has just arrived from another channel. ((mogel)) i want gumby to pathetically open up. ((frannie)) got ya, slick [from mogel (to gumby)]: anyway, what do you always concentrate so much on such deep meanings or are there ever "meaningless" poems to you? [from gumby (to mogel)]: everything has meaning or it would not happen [from mogel (to gumby)]: my favorite poem is the one with the line "sadness is not a very good feeling." [from gumby (to mogel)]: i think that is a good one too [from mogel (to gumby)]: what inspired that one? ((frannie)) he doesn't realize how bad we are patronizing him. sad. ((thal)) ask him about if his girlfriend writes poetry and ask for examples [from gumby (to mogel)]: i was very depressed and sad at that time [from mogel (to gumby)]: one would figure that. [from gumby (to mogel)]: i was a poetry reading on the 17th [from mogel (to gumby)]: do you read your poetry to your girlfriend? [from gumby (to mogel)]: yes most of them are for her [from mogel (to gumby)]: does she like them? ((frannie)) what about "the bubbly one"? ahahaha. [from gumby (to mogel)]: she is my biggest fan ((frannie)) no way. i am. [from mogel (to gumby)]: neat. does she write poetry herself? (that way she can be a good critic) [from gumby (to mogel)]: yes she does, she is pretty good [from mogel (to gumby)]: neat. what does she usually write about? any examples? ((crank)) peverse fantasies about gumby and horses [from gumby (to mogel)]: me [from mogel (to gumby)]: she writes all about you and you write all about her, huh? [from gumby (to mogel)]: it is mostly her feelings [from mogel (to gumby)]: did you know what she's read things that i've written? ((mogel)) h0h0 the fun begins ((crank)) g0 mogel ((mogel)) hopefully gumby will spazz if i lay it on him. ((crank)) yah! that'd be exciting [from gumby (to mogel)]: yes she said it was pretty good [from mogel (to gumby)]: good. yeah, and did you know she wanted to meet me? [from gumby (to mogel)]: yeah she did so would i ((mogel)) uh oh. he's one of logik's friends. ((frannie)) h0h0 [from mogel (to gumby)]: great! [from mogel (to gumby)]: does that make you jealous? [from gumby (to mogel)]: no why? [from mogel (to gumby)]: 'cause she likes someone elses writing? ((thal)) haha.. he's, like.. avoiding the whole statement. ((crank)) press the issue!@! [from gumby (to mogel)]: that is very childish [from mogel (to gumby)]: what is? ((crank)) i was online for a 12 hour call yesterday. woohoo!@#! ((thal)) "i'm not wearing any pants!" would be cool for a song title. [from gumby (to mogel)]: to be jealous because she likes someone elses stuff [from mogel (to gumby)]: but what if she _really_ likes someone else's stuff? [from gumby (to mogel)]: poetrywise it will not bother me [from mogel (to gumby)]: i don't write poetry. ((crank)) poetrywise? ((frannie)) he's so pompous. ahahaha. ((crank)) he's magniloquent. teehee ((frannie)) he's got this whole holier-than-thou thing about him. ((thal)) ask him "will it bother you personally?" [from mogel (to gumby)]: would it bother you personally? [from gumby (to mogel)]: no!!!!! ((frannie)) i used to feel sorry for him, but, now i don't. ((crank)) rofl. he used to try and ask me out. [from mogel (to gumby)]: are you sure? what if she found my words to be incredible awe-inspiring? ((crank)) 'and she loved me instead of you?' hehe ((frannie)) what if they made her nipples hard? ((thal)) say "you're getting defensive.. why?" [from mogel (to gumby)]: you're getting defensive.. why? [from gumby (to mogel)]: i am not defensive [from mogel (to gumby)]: are you positive? [from gumby (to mogel)]: yes i am sure ((frannie)) go fer the gusto, moggie [from mogel (to gumby)]: oh but i think you are. you're worried that she'll find me more intelligent and more witty aren't you? ((thal)) press the thing that she wants to meet you, and ask him how many times he sees her a week.. then ask if he knows what she's doing when he doesn't see her. ((crank)) thal..that's genius :) ((frannie)) he'll catch on sooner or later ((thal)) later, probably. ((mogel)) hey frannie, h0le is on the radio!@ ((thal)) me and laura patronized his poetry nonstop for weeks, until i just said "your poetry really sucks." or something.. he didn't know until then. [from gumby (to mogel)]: no i don't [from mogel (to gumby)]: did you notice how much she wants to meet me? well, at any rate, how often do you see her a week? [from gumby (to mogel)]: as much as i can [from mogel]: i'm just curious. [from gumby (to mogel)]: 2-3 times a week during the school year [from mogel (to gumby)]: oh, that's not all that often. hmmm. ((mogel)) hey! you all will get to yell at him soon enough!@! ((frannie)) yes. tell us when. come on. i've got the macros ready. ((mogel)) frannie we must call her on the phone. syrinx gave me her number!@#$ ((frannie)) we will do it [from gumby (to mogel)]: this is turning into something else than a poetry interview [from mogel (to gumby)]: no way. just asking questions. [from gumby (to mogel)]: read her reg and you will see how i stand with her :/r lady death ok, here's the info for lady death... real name: cindy....... sex: f age: 16 aliases: - city/state: 3rd planet from the sun voice phone#: unlisted physical description: 5'5''/140, green eyes, reddish brown hair..... comp. phone#: unlisted bbs: none favorite movie: mp's holy grail favorite tv show: the state favorite music: hc, punk, altern. instrument played: bass favorite foods: italian, chinese favorite sport: soccer, volleyball other hobbies/interests: v-ball, soccer, bass g'tar..gumby!! :) general info: i love gumby.. :) and he loves me, too (sigh) :) summary: i am gumby's g/f :) [from mogel (to gumby)]: anyway, i was wondering if you'd do a poem about me. [from gumby (to mogel)]: i will try [from mogel (to gumby)]: great! [from mogel (to gumby)]: do you know what about you attracted her first? [from gumby (to mogel)]: i need to know more about you to write it [from mogel (to gumby)]: i'm very sarcastic ((crank)) mogel, hack her account and change all the 'gumby's to 'mogel's :) ((thal)) someone already did hack it, once. ((frannie)) her pw is probably, like, "gumby" [from gumby (to mogel)]: she said everything [from mogel (to gumby)]: okay, well.. do you think you'll be writing poetry in five years from now? ((frannie)) she's kind of, er, chubby. 5'5 140? ((crank)) yikes ((thal)) yeah, she's certainly a bit uh.. big. [from mogel (to gumby)]: if you were to die tomorrow, what would the one quote you would want to leave every american in the world to read? [from gumby]: "dark is not the opposite of light, it is the absence of light" [from mogel (to gumby)]: i think you're girlfriend is in love with me. what should i do? [from gumby (to mogel)]: i think you are completely wrong [from gumby (whispered)]: she is in love with me you don't have to do anything black francis has just kissed gumby lightly on the cheek! [from mogel (to gumby)]: can't you be in love with more than one person at the same time? [from gumby (to mogel)]: no you can't [from mogel (to gumby)]: i think they can. ((thal)) he'll probably call you a fag or something. [from mogel (to gumby)]: i knew this girl i knew was in love with three guys at the same time. [from mogel (to gumby)]: i think i want to meet her soon. [from gumby (to mogel)]: go for it i have complete trust in her [from black francis]: oh yah? [from black francis]: if you only knew, man. [from black francis]: write a poem about how i like to stick my face between her boobs and make funny pig noises. [from gumby]: i am leaving [from black francis]: no [from mogel (to gumby)]: i will steal ur girlfriend you stoopit sonofabitch@! [from mogel (to gumby)]: i will steal ur girlfriend you stoopit sonofabitch@! [from mogel (to gumby)]: i will steal ur girlfriend you stoopit sonofabitch@! [from mogel (to gumby)]: i will steal ur girlfriend you stoopit sonofabitch@! [from black francis]: your poetry sucks!@ [from black francis]: it blows!@ blows!@ [from black francis]: you are a pathetic art fag!@ gumby just vanished from the teleconference! [from black francis]: "when in doubt - hang up!" [-----] the most interesting conclusion to the story happened a week later. we found out that gumby and lady death mysteriously 'broke up' and now don't talk or anything. so much for true poetic love, i guess. the most pathetic part of the story is that my feeble computer chat has a good probablity that _it_ was the reason that they broke up. she said to her friend that gumby had become a total "control freak". when strangers on a bbs affect your personality and relationships after being total morons, you enter whole new realm of stupid. i couldn't give two shakes of a toilet handle about lady death. stupid people never learn. they make me puke. a good rule of thumb to remember: ignore the stupid, they'll never die. oh well. at least gumby has a whole new 'feeling' to write more 'angst' poetry about. [eof] ============================================================================ ============================================================================ )_) pEZ iZ iN dA hOUSE! wERD 'eM uP! (_( ((______/ ..\ pHOR tHE lATEST pHAT-aZZ pEZ pHILEZ, kALL /.. \______)) | /--( gOAT bLOWERZ aNONYMOUZ @ (215)750-0392 )--\ | |||---||| "aDMITTING yOU hAVE a pROBLEM iS tHE fIRST |||---||| M M M M sTEP tO rECOVERY." M M M M pEZ mONTHLY iNFO-fUN-lINE % (800)356-5050 ============================================================================ ============================================================================