RODNEY SEZ: Good crowd..good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape.. you know. Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. @ RODNEY SEZ: I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west! @ RODNEY SEZ: My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens. @ RODNEY SEZ: When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could..... but he pulled through." @ RODNEY SEZ: My mother had morning sickness after I was born. @ RODNEY SEZ: My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. @ RODNEY SEZ: My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. @ RODNEY SEZ: When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. @ RODNEY SEZ: I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. @ RODNEY SEZ: Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. @ RODNEY SEZ: What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm! @ RODNEY SEZ: I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get. @ RODNEY SEZ: One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control. @ RODNEY SEZ: I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof! @ RODNEY SEZ: My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair. @ RODNEY SEZ: I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing. @ RODNEY SEZ: I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning! @ RODNEY SEZ: Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.. "Do you think we'll ever find them." He said.. "I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide." @ RODNEY SEZ: I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. "On your mark..." @ RODNEY SEZ: On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. @ RODNEY SEZ: On Halloween last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! @ RODNEY SEZ: Now on Halloween it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy. @ RODNEY SEZ: When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me. @ RODNEY SEZ: I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face. @ RODNEY SEZ: My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next tuesday. @ RODNEY SEZ: One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! @ RODNEY SEZ: It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips.. yet she won't drink from my glass! @ RODNEY SEZ: Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe! @ RODNEY SEZ: For two hours..some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. @ RODNEY SEZ: I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette! @ RODNEY SEZ: This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me. @ RODNEY SEZ: A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him.. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That is why we give you 21 days." @ RODNEY SEZ: A travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days.. just nights. @ RODNEY SEZ: My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good. @ RODNEY SEZ: They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too? @ RODNEY SEZ: At Christmas time I sat on santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a present he gave me! @ RODNEY SEZ: My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh. @ RODNEY SEZ: I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me. @ RODNEY SEZ: My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. @ RODNEY SEZ: I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said.."Why should I.. you never put out for me." @ RODNEY SEZ: I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said.."No.. one drag is enough." @ RODNEY SEZ: I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude.. but I didn't see the mouse trap. @ RODNEY SEZ: A girl phoned me and said.."Come on over there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home! @ RODNEY SEZ: A hooker once told me she had a headache. @ RODNEY SEZ: I went to a massage parlor. It was self service. @ RODNEY SEZ: My only thrill is self inflicted hickies. @ RODNEY SEZ: If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. @ RODNEY SEZ: I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said.."Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate myself now." @ RODNEY SEZ: She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that... - She got on the scale and a card came out saying.. "One at a time." @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that... - Her bath tub has stretch marks. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that... - Her belly button made an echo. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that... - She had her own postal code. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that... - She wore a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS" bra. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that... - She had a dress with a sign on the back saying.. "Caution wide load." @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that... - Her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that... - When guys have sex with her they ask for directions. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that... - One day I ran into her with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that... - Her bikini was made out of two bed sheets. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that... - Her mother ripped when she had her. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that... - She used a septic tank for a toilet. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so ugly that... - I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so ugly that... - I took her to a dog show and she won first prize. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so ugly that... - They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so ugly that... - I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so ugly that... - She looked like she came in second in a hatchet fight! @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so ugly that... - The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it. @ RODNEY SEZ: She was fat and ugly. She was so ugly that... - She had a face like a saint. A Saint Bernard! @ RODNEY SEZ: I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me.. "What'll you have?" I said.."surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife. @ RODNEY SEZ: During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. @ RODNEY SEZ: My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. @ RODNEY SEZ: One day..as I came home early from work.. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy.."Hey buddy..what are you doing that for?" He said.. "Because you came home early." @ RODNEY SEZ: I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat! @ RODNEY SEZ: Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her.. "The best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. @ RODNEY SEZ: Its been a rough day. I got up this morning.. Put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom! @ RODNEY SEZ: I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem... I don't know who to thank! @ RODNEY SEZ: My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD. @ RODNEY SEZ: I went to see my doctor.. you know him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah..I told him once.. "Doctor.. every morning when I get up and look in the mirror.. I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said.."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." @ RODNEY SEZ: I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My Doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. @ RODNEY SEZ: I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin. @ RODNEY SEZ: I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie. @ RODNEY SEZ: My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him.. "If you don't mind I'd like a second opion. "He said.. Alright..you're ugly too." @ RODNEY SEZ: I was so ugly..my mother used to feed me with a sling shot! @ RODNEY SEZ: When I was born the doctor took one look at my face... turned me over and said... "Look...twins!" @ RODNEY SEZ: And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.. I'd have nothing to play with! @