Yo! Mr, Language Person!
                                    
 ONCE AGAIN WE ARE PLEASED  present Mister Language Person,
 the internationally recognized expert and author of the
 authoritative "Oxford Cambridge Big Book 'o Grammar"
Q. What is the difference between "criteria" and "criterion"?
A. These often-confused words belong to a family that grammarians
call "metronomes," meaning "words that have the same beginning
but lay eggs underwater. The simplest way to tell them apart is
to remember that "criteria" is used in the following type of
sentence: "When choosing a candidate for the United States Con-
gress, the main criteria is, hair".  Whereas "Criterion" is a
kind of car.
Q. What's the correct way to spell words?
A. English spelling is unusual because our language is a rich
verbal tapestry woven together from the tongues of the Greeks,
the Latins, the Angles, the Saxtons, the Celtics, the 76ers and
many other ancient peoples, all of whom had severe drinking
problems. Look at the spelling they came up with for "colonel"
(which is actually pronounced "lieutenant") or "hors d'oeuvres"
or "Cyndi Lauper". It is no wonder that young people today have
so much trouble learning to spell: Study after study shows that
they have the intelligence of Brillo. This is why it's so im-
portant that we old folks teach them the old reliable spelling
rule that we learned as children, namely: 'I before C, Or when
followed by T, O'er the ramparts we watched, Not excluding joint
taxpayers filing singly.
     EXCEPTION: "Suzi's All-Nite E-Z Drive-Thru Donut Shoppe"
Q. What the heck ARE "ramparts," anyway?
A. They are parts of a ram, and they were considered a great
delicacy in those days. People used to watch o'er them.
Q. How do you speak French?
A. French is very easy to speak. The secret is, no matter what
anybody says to you, you answer, "You're wrong" but You say it
with your tongue way back in gargle position and your lips pouted
way out like you're sucking grits through a hose, so it sounds
like this: "Urrrrooonnnggg." Example:
     FRENCH PERSON: Ou est la poisson de mon harmonica? (How
about them Toronto Blue Jays?)
     YOU: Urrrrooonnngggg.
     FRENCH PERSON: Quel un moron!("Good point!')
Q. I know there's a difference in proper usage between "compared
with", and "compared to", but I don't care.
A. It depends on the context.
Q. Please explain punctuation?
A. It would be "my pleasure".  The main punctuation marks are the
period, the coma, the colonel, the semicolonel, the probation
mark, the catastrophe, the eclipse, the Happy Face and the box
for checking "yes" to receive more information. You should place
these marks in your sentences at regular intervals to indicate
that some kind of punctuation is occurring.  Consider these
examples:
     WRONG: O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

     RIGHT: O Romeo! Yo! ROMEO!! Wherethehellfore ART thou? Huh??
     ROMEO: I art down here! Throw me the car keys!
Q. Does anybody besides total jerks ever use the phrase "as it
were"?
A. No.
Q. What is the correct form of encouraging "chatter" that
baseball infielders should yell to the pitcher?
A. They should yell: "Hum babe hum babe hum babe HUM BABE HUM
BABE".
Q. May they also yell: "Shoot that ball in there shoot it shoot
it SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT WAY TO SHOOT BABE GOOD HOSE ON THAT
SHOOTER"?
A. They most certainly may.
Q. What is the difference between "take" and "bring"?
A. "Take" is a transitory verb that is used in statements such as
"He up and took off". "Bring" is a consumptive injunction and
must be used as follows: "We brung some stewed ramparts to Aunt
Vespa but she was already dead so we ate them ourselfs".
Q. What is President Bush's native language?
A. He doesn't have one.

TODAY'S LANGUAGE TIP: A good way to impress people such as your
boss is to develop a "Power Vocabulary" by using big words.
Consider this example:
     YOU: Good morning, Mr. Johnson. 
     YOUR BOSS: Good morning, Ted.
     (Obviously you're not making much of an impression here.
Your name isn't even "Ted." Now watch the difference that a
couple of Power Vocabulary words can make)
     YOU: Good morning, Mr. Johnson,  you hemorrhoidal
     infrastructure. 
     YOUR BOSS: What? 

YOU GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON?
     We are not surprised.