                           ADD - A LIFETIME CHALLENGE     
        
             In my growing up years I always wondered why I felt so
        outside of life, looking in, rather than being a part of what was
        going on around me.  I was extremely awkward and had problems
        remembering things from one day to the next.  Although my grades
        were acceptable, I had to work harder than anyone else to acheive
        them.  Not surprisingly, I suffered from a very low self-esteem. 
        
        
             My high school years were a nightmare because of my lack of
        social skills.  I never knew what to do, what to say, or how to
        act.  Words were out of my mouth before I realized what I had
        said, and then I would why I was getting strange looks from
        everyone.  Most jokes were beyond me and I never knew when
        someone was being serious with me or pulling my leg.  I had few
        friends, and spent a great deal of time alone in my room reading. 
        
             At least there I didn't make a fool of myself!  To this day,
        I sometimes prefer to do things by myself because it is easier,
        and I don't have to worry that I will say or do something stupid.
        When my ADD son reached the age of eleven, I felt the need to
        talk with other parents in similar circumstances, and decided to
        form a parent support group.  As time went on, I read more and
        more about the symptoms of ADD and could begin to see myself in
        nearly all of them.  The one characteristic that stood out from
        the rest was "insatiability".  Dr. Melvin Levine summed it up
        perfectly when he said, "these people are insatiable...they are
        distracted by their own appetites...constantly wanting
        things...they are chronically restless, a trait that becomes 
        more severe in adolescence and adulthood...they have the sense
        that they are+ut into words.
        
             I seem to have problems with active working memory (not
        being able to hold a thought in my mind while I try to work with
        it) and short term memory (not being able to remember something
        you heard five minutes before).  I am forever misplacing
        important items and sometimes spend hours looking for them.  I
        have to write everything down or else I will forget it five
        minutes later.  I also have great difficulty trying to recall
        certain words when I go to say something.  I know what I want to 
        say but just can't pull up the words from my memory quick enough
        to get it out.  I have never been good at arguing or debating a
        subject because I can't think quick on my feet.  I need time to
        think about it first, but don't usually get a second chance to
        come back and try again.  I feel so foolish when I stutter and
        stammer when trying to talk! 
        
             Most of my life I was told by people that I looked up to,
        "You could do better if you just tried!" or "Why can't you be
        more like so and so?".  This has left me in almost constant need
        of approval and very sensitive to even the slightest criticism. 
        Perhaps this is why I work so hard in the field of ADD, because I
        have finally found a place in life where I really belong.  It has
        been rewarding to know that I can help others who share this
        disability.
        
             About a year and a half ago, I decided to seek out a formal
        diagnosis for myself at the Adult ADD Clinic at Wayne State
        University Center in Detroit.  They suggested that I bring along
        a parent who could verify what I was like as a child.  Both of my
        parents had passed away, but I brought along all my old grade
        cards to document possible problems as a child.  
        
             The evaluation process took about four hours and consisted
        of a battery of tests including a depression inventory, and an
        ADD inventory that the team of doctors had developed.  This was
        followed by a lengthy questionnaire called the Minnesota
        Multiphasic Personality Inventory that helps identify other
        factors, besides ADD, that might be influencing your life.  They
        look for depression, anxiety, and other problems.
        
             The next step was an interview with the psychologist. 
        During the interview, the she focused on my perception of my
        childhood as well as my educational history, the problems I'd had
        in school, my employment history, and my family history
        (including other family members diagnosed with ADD, alcoholism or
        depression).  We discussed the chronic symptoms of ADD and how I
        felt each one related to me.
        
             This interview was followed by an IQ test (WAIS-R).  This
        test has several subtests that reveal your ability to
        concentrate, pay attention, problem solve, and handle
        frustration.  After the testing, the doctors studied the results
        and made a determination.  My evaluation showed an average IQ
        (with no particular strengths or weaknesses), and along with 
        ADD, had mild depression, difficulty in interacting with people,
        discomfort in large groups, and chronic worry and anxiety.  Most
        of this came as no surprise to me!  I was told that even though I
        managed to hide this very well, my true feelings were just below
        the surface.
        
             The internist that I saw next decide to start me on a trial
        of Ritalin.  We started out with a low dose of 5 mgs. three times
        a day.  For the first few days I experienced a headache, queasy
        stomach, and some difficulty getting to sleep.  The sleep
        problems and headache went away but the queasiness stayed on. 
        After several attempts to raise the dose, with no benefit from
        the medication, I began to experience shortness of breath 
        and a heavy feeling in my chest.  When I described this feeling
        to the doctor, he said thatthe stimulant was making my anxiety
        problems worse.  He then prescribed Desipramine (an
        antidepressant).  We experimented with different doses of this
        medication until we settled for 100 mgs. a day (there were some
        side effects that I couldn't deal with on a larger dose).  
        This has helped my depression quite a bit, but has done nothing
        to help me focus or be able to concentrate better at work.  We
        will continue the "guinea pig" process until we find the right
        combination of drugs for me.
        
             In the meantime, one of the things that helps me the most in
        trying to keep organized is using an organizer, the Day Runner. 
        I write everything down in the organizer, rather than keeping
        separate lists floating around that I can never put my fingers on
        when I need them.  I used to write notes to remind myself to look
        at the notes that I wrote, then could never find them anyway! 
        The organizer has a calendar for each month with spaces to write
        in daily.  I also use the alphabetical tabs to file important
        information that I need to locate quickly, as well as phone
        numbers and addresses.  I keep separate sections in the back for
        each organization that I am involved with so I can write things
        down as I think of them.  I write in the daily sections anything
        of importance that I do that day so I can refer back if I can't
        remember if I did something, or when I did it!  I sleep much
        better at night by sitting down before bed and writing down all
        the things I am trying to remember until tomorrow.  Most of the
        time then I am able to relax and not worry that I will forget
        something overnight.  This is a very handy tool for an ADD adult
        to keep their life better organized.  I would recommend it 
        highly.  At least you aren't running around like a "crazy person"
        looking for those lost notes!
        
             The rest of this story (and many others like it) can be
        found in the book entitled "ADD, A Liftime Challenge", which I
        edited and published.   The book is available through the ADDult
        Support Network, 2620 Ivy Place, Toledo, Ohio 43613 for $12.95
        (includes postage) - please make checks out to Mary Jane Johnson. 
        If you would like to comment on the article or get in touch with
        me you can leave a message in E-mail, the ADD Forum (75200,1463)
        on CompuServe or by writing the address above.  Thanks! I look
        forward to hearing from you!  ASK ABOUT THE ADULT ADD CONFERENCE
        IN ANN ARBOR, MI ON MAY 20-22, 1994!
