O.J. Simpson: Canonical O.bligatory J.okes List [7/1/94] This is the Canonical List of O.J. Simpson jokes. Additions, corrections, and other comments regarding this list should be sent to me at: v120qldp@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu I've taken all the introductory crap out (if you haven't heard about the crime yet, there's no hope for you) and took out the contributors list because it was getting too long and became a job in itself to maintain. I also decided to re-organize the list in order to make the order more logical and I also eliminated some of the redundancy and the inaccurate (e.g. shooting) jokes. The jokes are slowing down now, so I'll post an updated list every two weeks. I set an expiration date because I'm really sick of people telling me "NEW NEVER HEARD BEFORE!!!" jokes about what Mike Tyson is having for breakfast and what Michael Jackson said to O.J. Contents: I. Football and other sports-related jokes 27 II. Hertz Rental Car and other acting-related jokes 18 III. Orange Juice puns 14 IV. Prison and killing-related jokes 19 V. Miscellaneous jokes 14 And now, the jokes: I. Football and other sports-related jokes 1. Q: How do we know that Thurman Thomas didn't kill O.J.'s ex-wife? A: Thurman would have fumbled the knife. 2. O.J. was the first running back to run 2000 yards and the first murderer to run 2000 miles! 3. B oy B oy B oy I I t I L ove L ooks L ove L ife L ike L osing S entences S an Quentin S pouses 4. I heard that O.J. was no longer the prime suspect in the case. The reason being that as an ex-Buffalo Bill, if he were going to murder her, he would have done it the Buffalo Bill way and choked her. 5. O.J. used to play football. Now it looks like he played sock-her as well. 6. He's still a great footballer ... Still slices up the opposition wherever he finds them!!! 7. Q. What's the difference between Ryne Sandberg and O.J. Simpson? A. Ryne lost his killer instinct and O.J. found it. 8. Q: Did you hear O.J. has refused to play on the prison football team? A: He heard they wanted him to line up in a four-point stance. 9. Q: Did you hear the Bills fired Marv Levy? A: They felt the team lacked a killer instinct, so they hired O.J. Simpson. 10. O.J. ran for more yards in one evening than in 8 years with Buffalo. 11. Q: What was O.J.'s favorite play in the Bills' playbook? A: Cut left, then slash right! 12. Rumor has it that instead of giving Juice the chair for a guilty conviction, they are going to sentence him to play two more years in Buffalo. 13. Q: Why did O.J. kill Goldman? A: To prove the Bills could slaughter the competition and not just choke. 14. Q: Why did O.J. kill his ex? A: He wanted to terminate her free agency. 15. Q: Why did O.J. go to Chicago after killing two people? A: It was the perfect place for a three-peat! 16. At the end of the regulation marriage, without any additional scoring, the only thing left was sudden death. 17. O.J.'s final run, although spectacular, epitomized his career. Just think what he could have done if he had just had some really good blocking. 18. I hear O.J. tried to kill his wife in Buffalo, but they retired his .32. 19. More evidence that O.J. didn't kill his ex-wife: Any man who can sit beside Howard Cosell on Monday Night Football without killing him would never kill anyone. 20. O.J. was offered a plea bargain. Life in prison without parole, or a season behind the Cleveland Browns line. He took the life sentence. 21. Q: Did you hear what the longest drive was during the U.S. Open? A: O.J. Simpson - 61 miles. 22. Q: Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger? A: O.J. Simpson. 23. Heard on one of the New York City radio stations: "I tried to watch the Knicks game last night, but all I kept seeing were those Ford Bronco commercials." 24. O.J. play by play: "Well, there's not much time left, they have to make a big play soon ..." "Movement in the backfield, It's O.J.! What a move! He breaks away from a pack of defenders, he's going 10, 5. He just might make it." "He cuts to the 91...now streaks down the 405. They can't catch him!" "Looks like he's going to make it, and...ooohh....They bring him down in the driveway, just short." "What a play...One we'll all remember...One for the record books, O.J.'s longest run from skirmish." 25. O.J. Simpson will go down in history as one of the most versatile players in history...., He entered the NFL as a running back..., He entered prison as a tight end..., and will leave prison as a wide receiver!! 26. I heard this one this morning on WLZR FM in Milwaukee. Did you hear that the police are now saying that O.J. moved the bodies after the murders? They are accusing him of 2 carries for 58 yards. 27. The police are now saying that the murder weapon was a set of hedge clippers. O.J.'s lawyers think that instead of getting the death penalty, O.J. will get 15 yards for clipping. II. Hertz Rental Car and other acting-related jokes 1. I've heard that O.J.'s troubles have resulted in at least one commercial endorsement contract being cancelled. Apparently it's _killed_ his Ginsu Knife deal! 2. Did you hear about Hertz' new billboard? A picture of O.J. Simpson with a caption, "Hertz: For Great Getaways!" 3. Q: What was Nicole Simpson's last words? A: Stop, O.J.! It Hertz! 4. Well I don't buy his alibi either. Have you seen the way O.J. moves through an airport? And he's real quick at rental cars too... 5. I guess everyone in the L.A. Airport thought O.J. was just shooting a new rental car commercial when they saw him running through the airport! Coincidence? I think not! 6. Did you hear that Hertz Car Rental Agency is changing its name to Killz? 7. A new Ford Bronco is being marketed to replace the Eddie Bauer model. It is the O.J. model. It comes with storage for your ice picks and bloody gloves, stain-resistant carpeting, extra fuel capacity for those long trips and a cellular phone. Takes you for the drive of a lifetime. 8. Q: Did you hear about the new Hertz commercial? A: O.J. is seen running through the airport, jumping over seats and babies in strollers, to catch his plane for Chicago. The rental agent is frantically running after him yelling, "Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson, you forgot your bloody glove!" 9. Q: Whatever drove O.J. to kill his wife? A: A Hertz Rent-A-Car. 10. New, from Hertz: The "O.J. Weekend Getaway Special!" Your choice of Bronco, with enough gas to go 70 miles. And you end up at your front door! 11. The police say a jogger claims to have seen O.J.'s car at the murder scene the night his ex-wife was killed. He should have rented a car from Hertz. 12. Naked Gun 44 1/4 - Nordberg gets The Chair! 13. Q: Is O.J. Simpson still the spokesman for Hertz? A: Not exactly. 14. Actually I heard that Hertz just renewed O.J.'s contract. Only now he's making license plates for them. 15. I heard that O.J. lost his Hertz Rental Car endorsement contract, but he has a new endorsement offer. Taco Bell has hired him to "Run for the Border." 16. Q: How do we know it wasn't someone from Avis who killed them? A: Whomever did it sure didn't try very hard. 17. Now I know why O.J. did all those Hertz commercials...Practice. 18. Is it true that O.J. was last seen chasing a one-armed man? III. Orange Juice puns 1. Q. What did Mike Tyson having for breakfast? A. Fresh-squeezed O.J. 2. Looks like they'll be putting the juice to the Juice... 3. Did you know that he confessed? Yeah, they squeezed it out of him. 4. The real reason O.J. is being detained by the police is that he does really poorly in the interrogations. You see, O.J. has a problem: He can't concentrate. 5. Q. How do you get an electric chair to work? A. Give it the Juice! 6. After O.J. is sent to prison, all the inmates will be asking each other, "Have you had your O.J. this morning?" 7. IMPORTANT Commodities News Flash! O.J. futures have fallen 12 points... 8. New cocktail: Bloody Screwdriver Start with O.J., 1 ounce of bitters, add sliced tomato and chopped fruit. 9. Q: Hear about the new Bronco drink? A: It consists of a couple of jiggers followed by a bunch of O.J. chasers. 10. Q: What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in common? A: They both have O.J. in a can. 11. My mom tried to give me some orange juice this morning. I told her, "No way, mom! O.J. will KILL you!" 12. Q: What is the difference between Tang and O.J.? A: Tang won't kill you!! 13. Q: Why do they call him O.J.? A: Because he beats the pulp out of his women. 14. There is a new drink out in the bars now, called the Bloody Nicole. It's the same thing as a Bloody Mary, but instead of adding tomato juice, you add O.J.! IV. Prison and killing-related jokes 1. They are going to re-make the movie "The Longest Yard," starring O.J. Simpson as himself. 2. Q. Why won't prison be that different for O.J.? A. He will still have big guys opening holes for him. 3. Q. Why did O.J. Simpson go to Chicago? A. To find a clean towel. 4. O.J. showed up at his lawyer's office wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. The lawyer says, "Why are you dressed like that?" O.J. says, "Didn't you say I was going to Cancun?" To which the lawyer replies, "No. I said, 'You're going to the can, coon.'" 5. Headline for the Daily Fishwrap... THE JUICE NOOSES DEUCE ! STILL ON THE LOOSE ! By the way, wouldn't it be humorous if they pan the cameras across the crowd at the NBA finals, and there he sat watching the game? 6. Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: O.J. paying a visit to his ex-wife. 7. Q: What is the difference between Rodney King and O.J. Simpson? A: O.J. started out with millions. 8. When O.J. gets to prison and converts to the Nation of Islam, he'll of course change his name to O.J. X. 9. Q: Why does everyone want O.J. over for Thanksgiving dinner? A: He sure knows how to slice the hell out of the white meat! 10. Q: Do you know why O.J. drove around as long as he did? A: He was waiting for a call from Dr. Kevorkian! 11. At O.J. Simpson's arraignment yesterday, the prosecutor said "..and we will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr. Simpson committed this crime with malice and forethought." At which point a confused O.J. blurted out, "That's not true! I did it alone!" 12. Q: Why were the police suspicious after they called O.J. in Chicago? A: He denied he was the culprit, and even suggested they come to the golf tournament and see how bad his slice was. 13. Q: Why did O.J. stop at his ex-wife's house on his way to the airport? A: He had some time to kill. 14. Q: Why did O.J. flee? A: He was mad about not being Grand Marshall in the Rose Parade. 15. The defense may claim O.J. was acting on the advice of his marriage counselor. After the last attempt at reconciliation had failed, the counselor told the distraught O.J. to make another stab at it. 16. Q: What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife? A: Hey pal, mind if I cut in? 17. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite soft drink? A: SLICE !!!! 18. Q: What is O.J.'s motto? A: If you can't beat 'em, stab 'em. 19. Q: Why did O.J. sit in the Bronco for so long? A: Because Rodney King called him and told him not to get out of the car. V. Miscellaneous Jokes 1. Houston schlockjocks on morning radio used the following subject: Good prison names for O.J. Maybe that will get you started. Only heard a couple... O.rifice J.amboree got my vote. 2. Q. What does O.J. stand for? A: Obdurate Jerk Objective Jury? Obligatory Jokes Obsessively Jealous Obstinate Jealousy Obstreperous Journey Open Jugular Orange Jumpsuit Out Joyriding Outlaw Jock Outlook: Jail Outta Job 3. Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer: 1. They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it. 2. If he murdered her, it would Hertz his advertising career. 3. The Juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but never beating the pulp out of her. 4. It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but everyone has seen O.J. concentrate. 5. The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows that O.J. could never cut to the left. 4. Q: What do O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson have in common? A: They are both missing a glove. 5. Q: What did Michael Jackson say to O.J. Simpson? A: Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids. 6. Q: Have you heard about the new children's game? A: It's called "Where's O.J.?" 7. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite song? A: 'I Used to Love Her But I Had to Kill Her' by Guns 'n' Roses. 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin 'Run to the Hills' by Iron Maiden 8. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite musical group? A: Slayer Drivin' and Cryin' Suicidal Tendencies 9. There once was a fellow named Simpson, Who ran away covered in crimson. After carving his wife, With a "substantial knife," Said the cops, "What you did was quite grim, son." 10. Q: Did you hear John Wayne Bobbit called O.J. last night? A: He wanted O.J. to know that he knows what it feels like to be separated from a loved one. 11. Q: What are the three worst words to hear form O.J. Simpson? A: I love you. 12. Q: What do you get when you put Lorena Bobbit, Tammy Faye, and O.J. Simpson in the same room? A: A butcher, a Bakker and a license plate maker. 13. Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson breakfast special? A: It's eggs, steak and prune juice. First, you beat it, then you stab it with a knife, then you get the runs. 14. Someone has stepped forward to be O.J.'s alibi. Apparently he was seen waiting to be seated at a local Denny's.